Sadness is Not Our Enemy

Across socioeconomic statuses and geographical lines, there is a widely held belief that grief or pain or sadness is best tucked away for private, solitary moments. Public tears ought to be shed quickly and quietly. Further still, is a social norm that equates the expression of sadness with a state of weakness (and weakness is bad).

In recent years I have experienced seasons of grief and loss, of sadness and anxiety, of fear and doubt. While the bulk of these emotional states were processed in private with my own therapist, my husband, my closest family and friends, I have come to believe that sometimes, when the pain will not roll back for the public, it is okay to cry.

Maybe all therapists say this to their clients – maybe all caregivers to their loved ones. Do we live it?

This month I experienced a stunning loss. While I am not ready to share in detail, the emotional aftermath has me ever reflecting on this thing we call sadness. (Yes, even therapists who spend hours each week sitting with others in their pain have some inner work to do on their own). At one point in my process my tears could not be contained. Though I sat in a public place, the grief was too near to hold and too big to cage. I wept openly.

I noticed people staring and then desperately trying not to. I noticed it was difficult, if not impossible, for anyone I spoke with to maintain eye contact.

There is a narrative in my head that would tell me to “shut up” and “buck up” – that I should feel bad for making others uncomfortable.

I’ve decided that’s a load of crap.

While I am certainly not advocating for spreading our emotions willy-nilly and metaphorically dumping on others, (boundaries, people), I am saying that if you’re sad today, that’s okay.

Sadness makes other people uncomfortable because it sucks – and that’s okay. Everyone needs to learn how to address discomfort. (See, really, I’m helping you out by crying in public).

Sadness is seen as weak because it means we’re admitting we feel pain. Admitting to pain means its possible for someone to inflict it upon us and that makes us vulnerable. We fear vulnerability so we build invisible walls against it. Guess what. We’re made vulnerable. We’re already weak. We are also strong. We do not get one without the other.

Yes, you have the power to hurt me. And yes, I have the power to heal.

Our sadness will not kill us, though it may feel like it will. Our sadness will not be easy. It might stick around for a long time. That is okay. You are okay. I am okay.

Our emotions mirror our Creator. They are what scientifically and spiritually set us apart from the rest of the living world. And if our emotions are from God, then they are Holy things*.

What is Holy is not bad, though it may be scary.

What is Holy is not to be hidden, but to be expressed.

What is Holy, is beautiful.

I am still working this out personally and professionally. I don’t want to go overboard in my emotional  articulation, but neither do I want to hide. If you are feeling like you  need to shed a tear or two in the middle of wal-greens, at your desk, inside your place of worship or while sweeping the kitchen floor – have no fear and hold no shame. If I am there, I will cry with you.

Sadness is not our enemy. Our rejection of it is.

*Sometimes, (almost always, actually) what was meant to be Good is distorted by the broken world we live in. Allow me to be clear – I am not celebrating mental illness. Instead, I am pushing back against shame and fear of perceived negative emotions. If your emotional life is out of control or unhealthy or otherwise not functioning well, there is no shame in seeking support. Contact me and I will send you links to therapists in your area who may be able to help.